


Whodunnit?

by Haywire



Category: Firefly
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 04:32:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1496761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/pseuds/Haywire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of the Firefly oblige Kaylee on her birthday, playing a game that not all of them are too enthusiastic about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whodunnit?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mithborien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithborien/gifts).



> Written for mithborien for Space Swap, hope that you enjoy it! :)

“There is no gorram way I’m doin’ this.”

“Jayne, come on, we’ve been through this. We all picked random roles from the hat,” Mal said, holding up the hat Jayne’s mother had made for him for emphasis. “ _your_ hat, even, so you can hardly say it ain’t fair.”

“Yeah but that’s easy for you to say, you’re a, a what again?”

“Preacher.” Mail said with a grin, biting down on a pipe in his mouth. He took it out with one hand before speaking again. “Pastor Robinson, at your service.”

“At least it ain’t hard, even if it is a hell of a stretch, heh.” Jayne said, rolling his eyes. Where’d you get that thing to, anyway?” He gestured to the old corncob pipe and the black shirt and white collar Mal was wearing.

“Shepherd Book- I mean, that kindly businessman over there, J.J. Pennypincher is his name, I believe?” Mal turned to Zoe, who had her hair done up in a bun and was wearing a beat up set of glasses, sans lenses and essentially just the frames.

“That’s correct, Pastor, or my name isn’t…” Zoe peered down at a slip of paper in her hands quickly, then back up again. “Laura Stamp, local librarian.”

“And octogenarian, apparently.” Mal added, tapping the same slip of paper. “Hey, don’t look at me, I didn’t write this stuff.” He held up his hands defensively as Zoe smirked at him, pipe in the air.

“Yeah, well, that’s all fine an’ dandy, but at least none of you are rutted butlers.” Jayne said with a scowl. “I ain’t never butlered or… or served people before and I ain’t keen on started just now.”

“It’s a game, Jayne, for Kaylee’s birthday.” Mal nodded over at the birthday girl, who was dressed in her finest and playing her part of the southern belle. He had little doubt that she’d rigged the character selection in her favour but, well, it _was_ her birthday, so no one complained.

Except Jayne, of course.

“Now come on…” Mal checked Jayne’s slip of paper for his character’s name. “Cromwell,”

Zoe snorted at that before she could control herself.

“Be a good butler and walk around with this tray, alright?” Mal clapped Jayne on the shoulder and turned to leave before he could say anything further, placing his pipe back in his mouth.

Jayne muttered under his breath but complied, tying a bow Kaylee jury-rigged from one of her hair pieces around his neck to at least attempt to play the part and hefting a silver platter under one hand.

“Alright, everybody, now that that’s sorted out we’re good to start, I reckon.” Mal raised an eyebrow at Kaylee, who grinned widely and nodded in excitement. “May the best man, or woman, win.” He looked around for something to tap or ring to indicate it was game on, finally taking his pipe and knocking on Jayne’s tray to signal the start.

Wash ambled over to the three of them, with Kaylee’s arm hooked under one of his own. He looked to Jayne and raised his free hand to wave him then.

“You there, boy! What’s your name?” Wash asked in a horribly improvised accent of some sort.

“J- it’s, uh, it’s Cromwell.” Jayne replied through gritted teeth before adding: “Sir.”

“Cromwell, yes, that’ll do. Be a good lad and fetch me a drink, scotch on the rocks, neat. Chop chop, Cromwell.” Wash shooed him away with his free hand, a touch of a smirk dancing on his lips. Jayne, whose face grew redder with each passing seconds, looked to Mal.

“Just get some water and we’ll pretend. It’s all pretend, and for fun, right?” Mal said.

Jayne just grimaced and turned on his heel, saying nothing further.

“Oh, and make mine a martini, no olive.” Mal said as Jayne left, rubbing a little salt in that wound. To Jayne’s credit he didn’t stop or pause, though Mal would’ve put money on how vehemently the bigger man was cursing on him in Chinese inside his head.

Turning to Wash and Kaylee, he chewed his pipe thoughtfully. “And where are my manners? Pastor Robinson here, and this is Ms. Laura Stamp,”

“Local librarian.” Zoe said with a smile, extending her hand for them to shake.

“Also an octogenerian,” Mal included, taking a step back defensively before clarifying. “though you wouldn’t say it, would you? And y’all might be?” Mal asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.

Kaylee curtsied before speaking, nodding to them all once she leaned back up. “My name is Anna Lee Belle, though most of my friends call me Annabelle for short.” She gestured towards Wash, who was smiling at her. “And, if I may, this here gentleman is Doctor Rufus Sawbones, who’s been ever so kind to me, though I must say, he’s a horrible flirt.”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m _horrible_ at it, heh.” Wash said with a chuckle.

Zoe raised an eyebrow at him at that, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Er, um, but yes, I’m married. Horribly married, I mean, _happily_ married to a gorgeous, intimidating woman.” he added as Zoe elbowed him lightly in the ribs.

“Right, well.” Mal cleared his throat. “Oh, so, while you’re here, doctor, I hear there’s been a murder on board?”

“Oh right! The murder, yes, of course! I mean,” Wash coughed. “Terrible, nasty stuff, that. Yes, I saw the body with my own eyes. Hell of a way to go, knife in the back.”

Kaylee gasped in mock shock and horror, and Wash, playing his part, reached over to steady her with one hand.

“It’s ok, uh, my child. She’s in a better place now.” Mal said, withdrawing his pipe and gesturing skyward.

“Oh dear.” Wandering over, Shepherd Book shook his head ever so slightly at Mal before slipping into his own character. “J.J. Pennypincher here, I’m sure y’all have heard of me. Self made billionaire, philanthropist, and a man of the people.” He grinned a very convincing politician-esque smile, thumbing the suspenders he’d borrowed from Mal in kind underneath his blazer, complete with a disheveled yet serviceable tophat.

“Can’t say that I have, but it’s nice to meet you.” Mal said with a nod. “Did you know the recently departed, Mr. … Pennypincher, was it?”

“That’s my name, sir, don’t wear it out.” Shepherd said with a grin, which then morphed into a frown. “But, um… I am not sure if we have declared anything about the deceased, to be honest.”

“We don’t know anything either, actually.” interjected Simon, who’d wandered over with his sister River in tow. “We being me, Detective James McGruff, and my… friend here, Julia Kidd.”

“I’m a chef but they won’t let me have a knife.” River said with a sage nod.

“Huh? But didn’t we start out with that, and drawing the name of whoever the killer might be?” Mal frowned himself and reached into his pocket, pulling out the instructions for the murder mystery party. “I could’ve sworn we were supposed to draw one of these names out of this- this, uh. This unopened thing here.” He held up a small bag that contained chips of each player’s name, which should have been withdrawn before they started to determine who the killer would have been.

“Whoops.” said Zoe, shaking her head.

“Tsk tsk tsk.” Inara came from behind, echoing Zoe’s comments. “Now, see, if _I_ was captain of a ship, for example, I’d make sure that something like that would never, ever happen. Hypothetically speaking, that is, though I _am_ the Captain of a small tugboat, named…” Inara checked her own slip of paper before continuing. “Tuggy. The tugboat.” She snickered, which got Kaylee to break character and chuckle as well. “Where in the ‘Verse did you ever find this game, Kaylee?”

“I got it at a flea market after the last delivery we made. It looked like fun, but yeah, pretty cheesy.” she replied with a grin.

Mal just sighed and shook his own head. “Alright, here’s the deal. No one tell Jayne I humped this up and we make him act as our butler all night. Deal?”

Everyone nodded in unison.

Jayne came back out of the mess at that point, holding several glasses of water on his tray, most of which had spilled various degrees of their contents.

“What’d I miss? We done yet? Can I take this gorram thing off or what?” He adjusted his faux-tie, spilling more water in the process.

“Oh it’s another two-three hours, easy.” Wash chimed in.

“Yeah, it’s a long game. But fun!” Kaylee added.

“Fun!” River chimed in, skipping off and dragging her brother by the arm.

Jayne grumbled and lowered his tray for Mal and Wash to take their ‘drinks’ from him. “Your drinks, gentlemen.”

Both Mal and Wash looked at each other, then at Jayne. “What, no our d’oeuvres?” said Mal.

“ _Qingwa cao de liumang…_ ” Jayne said as he turned and headed back to the mess.

“CHOP CHOP CROMWELL!” Wash sang out, only once the larger man was safely out of sight.

Mal smiled and turned to Kaylee. “Happy Birthday, Kaylee, though I think it’s you who’s given all of us a gift here tonight.”


End file.
